A new drawing
by myparachute
Summary: A letter from an old friend get's Katniss and Peeta thinking. After being together for so long now, Peeta wants to take the next step. But why is Katniss shutting him out whenever he wants to talk? It will take him weeks to find out. (Peeta's POV, set after Mockingjay)
1. Chapter: Escapes

No! Peeta I´m not arguing about this again! Get over it!

And with that she´s gone, crashing the door into it´s frame. I know where she´s headed: The woods.

Maybe she´ll even visit the small pont out there. The one place that belonged to Katniss and her father and which held all the memories.

Of the few happy moments she had; of the songs they used to sing, silencing the birds with their beautiful voices;of lessons on the things mother nature offers us and probably so much more moments of which she never told me.

I have seen that place once, but although I felt a certain specialty there, it could´ve never held the same magic to me.

I´m _sure _she´s going there now.

She always does after today´s topic comes on. She´s escaping.

And I let her, although I miss her the second she walks out the door.

Because even after all these years I´m still scared she might not come back, finally realizing that I don´t deserve her.

Even after all these years I still can´t believe she came to me and helped me- saved me- again.

I settle myself in the armchair besides the fireplace and stare into the flames for comfort.

When I came back to twelve, I wasn´t able to sort out my feelings.

I couldn´t even be sure if the things I felt were _my _feelings, caused by _my_ memories or if they were _theirs_.

_Their_ memories.

_Their_ mix of real terror and fiction.

_Their_ twisted reality. Implanted into my brain.

* * *

When they took me out and brought me to 13, in those first weeks I decided not to question my feelings and just took everything my head told me for real.

I was like that when I hurt her.

I was like that when these men in white started working on me.

And as they did so I stared to realize that I could not trust my own mind anymore.

That was when I decided on this matter for the second time: Trust no memories at all.

* * *

By the time I got back to twelve I already knew neither of these extremes would help me.

Feeling everything overwhelmed me and put others in danger; feeling nothing made me senseless and slowly buried the little leftover fragments of my identity.

so taking the middle road was best. The only problem: I had no idea how to do that.

That´s where Katniss found me.

She pulled me out of my loneliness and started to light lanterns in the foggy dark forest that was my memory.

And as she stayed and trained with me the small glimpses turned into pure strays of sunlight, which formed patterns and cleared the fog.

Her healing fire had survived within her despite all she had been trough.

The whole thing is a process. It´s continuing up until today. Although the forest in my head is now filled with life and soaked in sunlight, there are still shadows and dark holes which trigger what we call 'flashbacks'.

They don´t come often and when they do it´s manageable, but they are a reminder if our past and will always stay.

It´s the same with nightmares.

Katniss has more of them than I do.

She is happy that not all are nightmares, that there are nights with happy dreams.

I´m worried because she´s stopped waking me when she had one.

She used to scream and kick her legs which woke me. Now I have to ask her in the morning how her night has been.

At least she´s not lying about it. Anymore.

* * *

With regaining control over my memories I got to clear up my feelings, too.

At first I denied my feelings for Katniss. I told myself I just felt this affection towards her because she was telling me that´s what I did before the chaos: love her.

But soon I realized that even if she´d told me I hated her in the past, I would have fallen for her now.

All this strength and fire and on the other and this insecure, sweet and loving mind of hers caught me all over again.

Luckily she never tried to set me free either, but did only pull me more and more into her so that we were tied up without a chance of unraveling.

We got from sharing evenings to sharing kisses to eventually sharing a bed and finally sharing a house.

I did move into her house in what used the be called 'Victors Village' because she could´ve never left the last place her sister Prim used to call home.

Two years after that we started to share the next thing: last names.

And this time it was real.

It has been almost six years since then.

For almost six years now there has been a Mellark family in District twelve again. Kind of at least.


	2. Chapter: News

**Note: I didn´t notice up until now, but at the end a part was missing. I updated it now, so if you´ve already read it, you haven´t read the "real" end of the chapter. ;) Sorry for that mistake! It just got lost along the way.**

* * *

"Peeta?"

I open my eyes only to find Katniss kneeling in front of me, stroking my cheek lightly. I must have fallen asleep in the armchair while she was gone.

"Are you alright? Do you feel sick or anything?" she asks in a concerned voice.

"No. How...how long have I been sleeping?" My voice still sounds drowsy.

"I don´t know. I came back, saw you and woke you up, because I got worried. You don´t normally sleep during the day unless you´re ill."

She gives me a questioning look. I straighten up in my seat.

"Ouch! Must have been quite a while. I´m stiff. How late is it?"

Katniss get´s up slowly. "Almost six. I have been out longer today."

"Six already? Wow. Now I know why my back hurts! I must have been out the whole afternoon!"

"Wow! You´re really sure you´re okay?" The anxiety won´t leave her face.

"Yes, I´m okay." Saying this I stand up, cup her face in my hands and look her deep in the eyes.

"I promise." And I seal it with a quick kiss. "I just didn´t get that much sleep last night you know? I couldn´t stop thinking about that letter."

For a split second I see the fear in her eyes, but as quickly as it came it´s gone again and Katniss gives me an understanding nod.

"I should go get dinner ready." she says, takes a step back and quickly enters the kitchen. Escaping again.

I know she´s afraid that I might bring up our argument from earlier today. Afraid I might want to talk about that letter again.

* * *

She was skeptic the moment she saw the light blue envelope in the mail. Even though she knew who sent it, she would refuse to open it. So I had to.

I stood by the kitchen door while Katniss sat on the couch, her knees hug tightly to her chest.

"Why are you panicking so much? It´s just a letter!" Her explanation came out in one breath: " _Because_it´s a letter! He calls when he has news. He never writes unless it´s bad!" That hit. I got nervous, too.

I turned the envelope around. On the back the senders address was written in a clear handwriting:

_Gale & Pansy Hawthorne _

_By the tracks 34_

_-District 2-_

I slid the lid open and took out the nicely folded paper. Instantly a small square picture fell out and landed backside up on the floorboards. I picked it up and let out a surprised "Oh!"

Katniss´ head shot up into my direction. "What´s wrong? How bad?" I smiled. "Wait. You´ll see. Let me read first."

I took a second look at the picture: Black lines were printed in the paper and circled with a red marker was a kidney shaped black dot. It was an ultrasound picture.

Still smiling I turned to the letter and read through it once. Then I looked over to where Katniss was still hugging her legs, head on her knees.

"Katniss?" Her head shot up and with panicked eyes she starred at me. It took her less than a second to realize I was smiling and her eyes widened even more from the shock.

"I think you might want to hear this. I´ll read it out loud okay?"

A slow nod.

"Okay so:

_Hello Katniss, hello Peeta._

_I´m sure you are wondering why I am writing you instead of calling. _

_Well...given the news I got, I found it more fitting to write to you._

_Katniss, you have asked me once if I wanted kids. Remember what I told you? I said something like 'Maybe if I would not live in twelve'._

_Given the fact that I now don´t live in twelve anymore I am happy to tell you that this 'maybe' as now turned into a 'definitely'._

_Pansy is pregnant!_

_She is already in the third month, but we wanted to wait until we were sure everything is okay. We went to the doctor last week and got the first ultrasound picture of the baby. I did include a copy in this letter. The fetus is circled so you can see it because it´s still pretty short._

_Pansy is alright and feels good. _

_The health care here is very good, too. They could calculate the date of birth. It´s the 9th of March. _

_To me it still feels a little bit weir , but I will have to get used to it. _

_I hope you two are doing great. Peeta, how is business? Are the new people of 12 liking your bread?_

_I bet you have a lot of visitors during the summer. _

_Maybe you could call us when you get this letter. I can tell you more, then! Greetings and all her love from Pansy, too! I´m supposed to tell you she and the baby said 'Hi'. _

_Take care! We hope to hear from you soon!_

_Best wishes, Gale._

That´s it. Not exactly what I would call bad news."

I looked up just in time to see Katniss shooting up and sprinting towards me. I didn´t even have time to blink before she had ripped the paper from my hands.

Her eyes traced the lines over and over, her pupils moving way too fast to catch every word.

* * *

On that day our argument started. She had run off with the letter into our bedroom.

That´s where she still was after I came back from my afternoon shift at the bakery.

She seemed upset and I could not figure out why. This was great news! Gale would become a dad! Why wasn´t she happy for him?

I confronted her and we started talking.

About Gale and the situation he mentioned in the letter, about kids and how the Hunger Games always affected Katniss´ view on the topic and about Annie and Finnick.

Lying in bed that night I couldn´t stop thinking about it and started figuring out for myself how Gale´s news could affect us.

In contrast to Katniss, I always wanted kids.

Of cause I was worried about the games, but I had promised myself all my live that I wouldn´t allow the Capitol to change who I was and what my plans were.

After all I´ve been trough I would lie, if I would say in the end they didn´t change me. They did...a lot, but my wish to have children of my own stayed.

As the night continued I eventually fell asleep.

I dreamed about Annie and her son, who looked so much like his father. I woke an hour later and couldn´t stop myself from musing about how it would be to have kids.

When I drifted away for the second time my dream showed a blonde toddler stamping into the arms of Katniss. I woke up again.

The night continued like this, always changing between dreaming and thinking.

When the sun began to rise I made myself get up and started experimenting in the bakery a lot earlier than usually.

I came up with a new version of the cheese buns Katniss loved so much.

The new ones had some of my favorite spices added, such as oregano and rosemary.

I made the dough pieces smaller than usual and stuck together two, cut the top two times and put them into the oven.

When I took them out, they instantly reminded me of a pair of baby shoes.

Again I thought about that topic again the whole morning and by lunch I had made the decision to talk to Katniss again.

The talk developed into our argument from today.


	3. Chapter: Images

**Note: I´m incredibly sorry for taking so long, but creativity got lost these last weeks. -.- Before you read: If you haven´t read the updated ending of chapter 2 please do so before reading this! :) And also something very improtant: About half of this chapter was written by a friend of mine. Sarah is really talented and you should all visit her tumblr where she has a fanfic herself uploaded! It´s _ .com_. Her part is in italic! Thanks so much Sarah, without you it would have taken a lot longer to finish this! :-* Loaf ya! :) And now: Enjoy reading and as always: Review. :) xo Franzi **

* * *

Dinner passes without a word. Katniss takes one plate full of rabbit stew and concentrates a little to hard on eating it as fast as she can. And by the time my plate is half empty she´s already on her way to the kitchen.I hear the water bubbling into the sink and the squeaking sound as she squeezes the last bits of dish liquid out of their I carry my plate inside she´s done with every dirty item in the whole kitchen, almost frantically waiting for me to finish so she can clean up the rest.

"I´ll take that, you go and paint. I found the plant I´ve been trying to describe to you lately. Now you can finally do a scratch in the book. It's in my game bag."

She basically pushes me out with that.

* * *

It is indeed true. We´d talked about a plant that Katniss had remembered. And she also had described it to me various times before. I tried to draw it like she told me, but in her opinion I just couldn´t get it ´d decided to let it go for the moment and would draw it in case Katniss finds an exemplar, but I had not expected that any time soon. She must have searched for it specifically today. Gosh, she is really trying hard to keep me busy these days.

I take the game bag and fumble blindly for its I take it out carefully and take a look at the plant I mentally punch myself for even falling for her game in the first place.

It is a plant I´ve never seen before. At least not for real because this piece of nature in my hands looks exactly like the scratch Katniss told me was so off. Either she got blind today or she lied to me. I can´t believe it! this girl is driving me crazy!

I take a breath to all core her, but stop myself mid-thought.

Katniss pulled all this effort into keeping me busy and herself out of the way so I didn´t get the chance to talk to her. This must really bother her. Wow. I didn´t expect Gale´s news to be that tough for her to her now would only make it worse. So I keep my mouth shut and go upstairs to paint.

* * *

I used to do it downstairs on the sofa, but after I had spoiled the furniture multiple times with all sorts of paints that I had spilled due to flashbacks, we´d decided to use one of the upstairs rooms as sort of an art studio.

After a searching around the almost dark room I spot the plant book on a drawer to my right. Left between the pages is one of my paint brushes to mark the last opened page. On it I find my scratch. Lying the real plant next to it, the only difference I find is the color. My drawing is slightly too green. It only takes me two minutes to mute the color down and now it looks perfectly alike.

So what to do next? If I want to play along like Katniss planned I´ll have to spent a lot more time painting tonight. I look at the unfinished paintings around the room. I don´t get inspired to finish any of them. So I decide to start something new. I stand up straight and close my eyes to think of something.

* * *

Whenever I enter this room it feels like I leave all the weight I carry outside of the doorstep.

Some people may bother the heavy air loaded with the smells of oil, dust and chemistry, but to me it is like I can smell the different colors filling the room. When I close my eyes and take a deep breath my mind instantly recalls scenes that I have seen and paints them again, showing my hands how to capture the images on canvas.

In front of me I can suddenly see the beauty of a raindrop on a fern leaf. I see how it hurls down from the edge of a higher growing plant; falling and changing form in the rush of air just to forcefully be destroyed as it shatters into even smaller drops hitting the leaf.

I see the sun setting the sky and the water pool of the Quarter Quell on fire and sending twinkling sparks dancing over the water plane as the horizon blocks the last strays of sunlight from my sight. I can almost feel Katniss' back against mine again as we watched this festival of light.

* * *

_While I'm thinking I get up and get a new canvas with some oil paints and sketching pencils. I try to remember District 12 as a child, the clouds blanketing the sky or the sun peaking through the leaves of the tree outside my old bedroom window. The business of the Seam, people caring for their families- giving their children everything they could afford. Children. _

_"Children" I find myself saying it out loud. Always a fragile topic with Katniss but something I would do anything to have. To share something that was mine & Katnisses would feel like everything we had to go through was worth it. _

_After all now people can finally have children that can actually have lives and not live in fear. And Gale was having a child; I knew he would want to. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I have Katniss and a home and we're happy but we...well... I just want someone to share it with, someone to bring life back to our home. A childs laugh echoing around the bedrooms, a few toys scattered across the floor and a bit of their innocence and happiness in the fields of 12. I smile at the thought but it quickly disappears._

* * *

_I decide to draw me and Katniss- here in district 12 at our place in the woods. I start with the basics of the larger objects and then the background, adding detail until finally I start to sketch us two.__Roughly I draw us sitting down watching the sunset and I get so carried away that when I notice I'd drawn two people with a small child playing ahead I drop my pencil. _

_How could that be us two? Katniss doesn't want to have children and in that picture is everything I ever wanted, it seems too perfect. I linger over the fact of painting over him but I don't. I know I should, but part of me wants him there._

_I use my oil paints and the brushes Katniss got me for my birthday. I spend my time trying to imagine the scene in my head, making the colours of the sky blend together to look natural. I could spend hours with the details of the tree and never get it exactly right, so many shades of colours and the patterns of the trunk and branches. I try to somehow catch the happiness of the scene, the family-hopefully our future family- having a day out. _

_I finish by painting the child with blonde hair like mine but with eyes like Katnisses, with a small smile on his face that reminds me of young Prim. I take a second to stand back and examine my work, its looks exactly how I imagined it, but wrong._

"_No." I drop all my paints and put my head on the desk. What if Katniss saw this? This would break her, she couldn't handle this. I sigh and shake my head annoyed at myself for even starting to think about children. So what if Gale was going to be a father? That wasn't going to change anything. I cover the painting with an old cloth pretending not to care if the wet paint got smudged._

* * *

_I walk back down to the kitchen- trying to rub the dry paint of my hand- after clearing away and look out the window to see its already dark. I turn to the clock to see it's later than I thought; I must have been painting for a while. I don't notice as I can't help but get lost in my work. _

_I return back up the stairs and into our bedroom starting to unbutton my shirt. "Katniss I painted the plant-" But she's already asleep. Under the covers sleeping peacefully, looking as if she had no worries and that she didn't have such a troubled past. I sigh and smile at her, she looks beautiful. _

_Our bedroom faces the garden and from it you can see a few fields that we sometime go to have picnics on. They used to be houses but were destroyed in the rebellion by the Capitol._

_I put on my night clothes and clean myself up in the bathroom next door. I'm half way through brushing my teeth when I hear her start to stir. I rush out to see her moving around and her hands reaching out for something. She starts to cry so I come on to the bed and start stroking her head to calm her down. "No, they're too young-" she says, he voice sounds distant and urgent. _

_At first I thought she was having a nightmare about Prim at the reaping but then she said. "just a little boy, he's mine!" _

_A little boy? Mine? She couldn't be having a dream about her, our child could she? Questions start flooding my head and I stop comforting Katniss in shock of what she just said. She doesn't want a child- I mean she said she wouldn't._

_ I come out of my thoughts when I hear her start to cry again, she sounds like she might wake up. I try to put enough control into my voice to say calmly to her. "Shh, I'm here it's okay. It's just a dream. It's Peeta."_

_Her eyes fly open and look straight at me. They're red with tears. I can't believe this is her, she hasn't been like this in a while, I thought we were finally getting away from the worst of the nightmares. She looks at me again before wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me close to her. I stroke the back of her hair and she lets out a few more tears on my shoulder, making my bed shirt wet. We don't need to speak, both of us know we're here for one another and will be always. _

_"It's okay now." I say as she pulls away and nods, looking down. I smile faintly and pull back the covers for her to lie down and as she does I wrap my arms around her waist. I kiss her cheek as her eyes close and make shushing noises till she falls asleep. _

_When I think she's asleep I pull my arms gently from under her and try to sleep myself. But all I can do is think about what she was dreaming about. Maybe she does want a child but she's still scared, maybe in time she will finally be ready. _

_I stare at the ceiling, my head to alive with possibilities and thoughts and hope to fall asleep. Until eventually my eyelids become heavy and I fall asleep to dream about the scene in my painting with a small sandy haired boy holding mine and Katnisses hands._


	4. Chapter: Faults

**Note: Thanks so much to Sarah, who re-read this again and who so perfectly helped me out on chapter 3! I loaf ya! :) Go check her tumblr lovingjoshaspeeta! :)**

**As always: Read, review and like! :) I hope I'll have chapter 5 done soon! **

* * *

When I wake it´s still dark outside. I twist and turn from one side to the other, but the bed feels too warm, the mattress too hard and the blanket too heavy, making it hard to breathe, so I get up. Grabbing my clothes I take a last look at the now sound asleep Katniss and sweep out the door. I get dressed in the bathroom, brush my teeth and splash two hands of ice cold water in my face before I head to my painting room.

* * *

Katniss has a hard time entering it; she only does if she has to. But it´s not the smell inside. It´s because of its former purpose. Almost nine years ago a little 14 year old girl slept in here.

Prim, Katniss' younger sister, whom she loved so much, had lived here since the Everdeen family moved here and up until...

Until she volunteered as a medic to go to the capitol...and never returned home.

Four years after her death when I moved in here Katniss hadn´t set foot in this room once. One day-shortly after my removal- I´d gone in there while she was hunting and saw that everything was untouched.

Spider webs in the corners, a blanked of dust covering the furniture and a drought out flower in the flowerpot in front if the small window. Even Prim´s dresses lay folded in the drawer, waiting for someone the wear them.

Knowing that Katniss would have suffered a mental break down, if she´d seen me carrying Prim´s things trough the house I waited till her next hunting trip to thoughtfully put everything into old carton boxes and stored it in the cellar.

I didn´t tell her, up until we´d decided to use the room again, but she´d seemed relieved rather than angry.

* * *

We removed the furniture to make room for me to paint but kept her drawer in there. A tradition to remember Prim and to help Katniss deal with her loss started:

Every year on Prim´s birthday I´d paint a Primrose on that drawer. The first year I painted 18 roses and added one every following year. Up until this day 22 roses cover the dark wood. Later on this year I´ll paint the 23rd one.

I enter the room, but the feeling of letting go of my worries isn´t there. Instead my troubled thoughts even increase as soon as I lay eyes on the covered canvas from yesterday night.

It cannot stay here. I must get it out, away from me and hidden from Katniss' eyes.

So without a further look under the sheet I take it and carefully maneuver it though the door, closing it quietly behind me.

I might as well throw it away. It's not finished and no one´s supposed to see it anyways. I should have never painted it in the first place! Yes, throwing it away is the right thing to do. But not here. No, I´ll just take it with me to the bakery and throw it into the big containers there. I might as well go there now since I have nothing to do here either.

So I make my way down the stairs, thought the living room and out the door quickly, hopefully quiet enough not to wake Katniss.

* * *

Although the sky is clear and the moon shines bright it is hard to make out the path leading to the main square. I struggle a few times, stepping onto stones with my artificial leg, but eventually I make it to the back door of the newly built bakery.

I need multiple attempts in the dark to make my key fit the lock. The door opens finally and I turn on the lights inside and place the painting on the counter. I know I should go back outside and throw it away right now, but somehow I can't. My mind spins and I tell myself over and over again just to do the right thing, but I don´t. Instead I head over to the supply room, hide it between two sacks of flour, leave the room and start to clean up for the day immediately.

* * *

The horizon starts to lighten up while I´m working and when I sit down for a drink my lack of sleep overwhelms me and I drift away on the chair leaning on the counter.

When I wake again it´s light outside and I hear Katniss' voice in the sales room. Why is she here?

I get up and almost drop the jacket that covered me like a blanket. I hadn´t noticed it at first, but now I see that it´s her leather hunting jacket. How long has she been here? And how long was I asleep?

When I enter the room I see that Katniss is talking to Mrs. Mille, an old lady who comes here about twice every week to get her favorite bread. I knew she would come this morning, that´s why I´d already baked her a loaf earlier.

She spots me first and a surprised "Oh!" escapes her mouth. Katniss turns to my direction and starts to smile. "Rise and shine again, huh? Welcome back from the dead!" she laughs.

"What?" I don´t get it. She walks up to me and picks in my hair. "Peeta you´ve slept like a bear during winter sleep!" She cups my face and kisses me quick. "I tried to wake you up, but you didn´t even blink. So I let you sleep and decided to test my marketing skills. Am I doing good Mrs. Mille?"

"Perfectly." The old lady smiles, too and seems genuinely happy for us. 'If only she knew what´s been going on these past days' I think.

Katniss continues: "Thank you so much, but Peeta´s even better at it for sure. I think I´ll go and test, if my hunting skills are still intact." and adds addressing me: "Now that you´re awake you can take this again, right?"

And I´d thought for a short moment that the escaping had ended. But she´s eager to get away as always, so I just nod, but Mrs. Mille joins in again with a worried look outside the front windows.

"I´d think that through again! The hunting part, I mean. Those are very bad looking clouds up there and the heavens will sure as hell be here in no time. You better avoid trees today, girl."

I look outside. "Oh wow! That looks pretty bad. She´s probably right Katniss. You should stay out of the woods." She can´t argue about that. Those clouds really do look pretty serious. She knows a thunderstorm in the woods can be life risking.

"Yes you two are right. Okay then I´ll hurry and get to the butcher before that hits. I see you later at home and you hopefully soon! Bye!" She gives me a kiss on the cheek and shakes Mrs. Mille´s hand over the counter before she leaves out the back door. Well then...

"Okay so did you need anything else Mrs. Mille?" I address her and try my best to hide my disappointment.

Oh how I miss being close to Katniss for more than two minutes.

This is all my fault...


	5. Chapter: Truths

**Note: Oh I am soo sorry it took so long! I mean the chapter is finished since mid-september, but the lovely Sarah is very busy atm and so I decided to give her some time, but I was afraid I'd loose you-my readers- so I asked Sophie to re-read it and she did! Go please follow her tumblr! It's and she's super awesome! :) And now: Read, review and follow! :) It's longer than usual and it's got lemons! So I hope you like it! :) xo Franzi**

* * *

The day doesn't get much better. Mrs. Mille turns out to be right and by noon the massive thunderstorm hits town.

Dark clouds cover the sky, thunder shakes the trees, the wind sings a gruesome song and the rain has build a grey wall. Life outside seems to stand still. Normally I would make my way back home by now to endure jet another speechless meal, but the weather has left me no choice but to stay at the bakery. Fine. I´m not even sure if that's the worst option for lunch. I make my way to the storage room to inspect what I got left and what "payment" I got today.

Since I re-opened the bakery a few years ago I didn't take any money for the bread. Firstly because I have more than enough money to buy all the ingredients and secondly because I know that the people who've come back don't have much money and that they invest the little they have into step by step re-building their houses. It doesn't seem fair to me to take money from them under these circumstances. But although it's free most people bring me something for the bread.

Eggs, milk, flour, buttons or vegetables. And even if it's just a handful of wild berries: Nobody comes here without some little thing to trade.

I find onions, potatoes and some bacon amongst others. That should cover lunch.

The sizzling pan and the storm in the background I call Katniss.

"Mellark?"

"Hey it's me! Uhmm I just wanted to tell you I'm having lunch at the bakery. It's raining too hard to come home just now. I'll co-"

"What?" Rustling sounds."I...I can't-" rrrzz... "-stand you...P-Peeta?" Oh shit! The connection is breaking.

"I eat here! I'll be home later!" I almost scream into the phone. "Katniss?"

But just more rustling. She's gone, I hang up. I hope she got that last part. This storm must be really hard if even the phone lines crash.

I start to eat my lunch. The food is good and hot, I have to swallow carefully in order to not burn my tongue.

Afterwards I clear up what is left from earlier, but I quickly realize that it makes no sense to stay and wait for customers or for the rain to lighten. It won't I'm sure of that. And I really get anxious about Katniss. I might as well go home now so I turn the "open" sign around, lock the front door, pack up my things and face the grey wall outside. 'Come on' I tell myself. 'You've had worse.' I step out.

And then I run. Run like those mutts are chasing me again. Rain everywhere. In my hair, in my clothes, in my mouth, my eyes. I fall. Multiple times. The ground is slippery and I can't feel it with my left leg. Rain still everywhere. And now dirt, too. But I make it. I see the light in the windows and climb up the stairs, rip the door open and step in. I can only close the door before I sink down to my knees as the adrenalin rush waves off and leaves me completely breathless. This was worse than I expected.

I hear Katniss running down the stairs. As I come into view she's shocked. "Oh my god, Peeta!" Within seconds I feel her warm arms wrapped around my ice-cold torso. She notices. "Oh my god, you're soaked! Let me get you a blanket." she wants to get up. I look at her. "No. Don't. No I'm fine. I...I just need a hot bath." I struggle getting up, but she supports me. "You sure?" "Yes, Katniss I´m fine. I'm just tired from running all the way." "Okay. I believe you. Let's get you upstairs first."

We make our way to the upstairs bathroom where she immediately begins to fill the bathtub while I start to take my clothes off. I stand there naked to my -also wet- underwear and watch as Katniss ads different liquids to the steaming water until there's a light foam on the surface. "Okay that should be enough. You can go in now."

As she turns around I can no longer hold myself back and kiss her passionately. I've waited too long and am too tired to think about it long enough. I just long for her. Although she's surprised she kisses me back as if she had longed for it as much as I did. This is our first real kiss since Gale's letter. I finally break away and whisper "Thank you. For both." with a big smile across my face. "No problem. I missed that." she whispers back. "Me, too." I kiss her nose before stepping to the tub, pulling my pants down and sliding into the hot water. Ahh...That feels good.

"I'll go change. I'll lay something out for you, too and wait on the couch, okay?" "Yes, thanks. Love you." To my surprise she bends down to me and kisses me quick. "Love you, too." With a beautiful smile on her lips she leaves the room. Wow. I really did miss it. The feeling of her lips on mine, her sweet breath on my skin, her soft hair in my hands. I must be the luckiest person on earth.

My mind filled with every detail of her, my nose filled with the sweet smell of lavender and my eyes closed; the world inside seems frozen in time as the storm rants outside. I feel a prickling as the feeling returns to my toes one at a time. Minutes pass. I breathe deeply; concentrate on how every breath fills my lungs, loosing myself in the moment.

Later while I get downstairs, dressed in light beige pants and a plain white long-sleeve shirt, the sweet smell of hot chocolate greets me about halfway down the stairs. With the storm still rustling outside Katniss has lit a flickering fire, which tints the room in an orange light, almost like sunset. Am I dreaming? I hope not.

I walk up to the sofa where my wife is already tugged into a blanket and warms her hands on a cup of the tasty brown liquid. She heard me coming and already has turned her head in my direction. "Hey! Do you feel better?" she asks softly. I sit beside her. "Yes. All is well. But what exactly did I do to deserve this?" My hands close around the second cup in the couch table. Warmth streams through my hands. "I just thought we might need it. We haven't had hot chocolate in weeks!" With her next words she surprises me (again). "Also I wanted to talk to you. Apologize." My mind goes blank. Apologize? For what?

"I...I distanced myself..I blamed you...It wasn't fair. I'm sorry. I should have figured out earlier."

"Figured what out? Katniss you haven't done anything wrong! You're right; I am the one to blame! I pushed you. I knew you didn't want to talk and I just didn't let it go. You did the right-" But she interrupts me.

"Peeta. Peeta stop!" She has put her cup down and holds my hands now. "Don't blame yourself, okay? Just listen!"

She takes a deep breath, locks her eyes with mine for a moment, waiting for my approval and starts telling me things I'm not prepared for:

"I needed time. After Gale's letter came in I needed time to process everything. My mind just went blank in that moment and I just couldn't catch the gist of it all. Every time I tried to put an order to it my mind just blocked like one piece was missing and kept me from going on. I couldn't think and I couldn't talk about it. Not with you, not with Gale or anyone else. So I tried to avoid you. I'd go hunting to free my mind, but every time I had to wait longer for pray the chaos would come back. Then I'd wander around aimlessly. It was horrible until one day I got to the place where Gale and I used to meet. I sat down and thought back to that day before the reaping when we had talked about kids. I pictured myself back then. 16 years old, thin, dirty, always hungry and scared. Scared for Gale, for my family, for the immediate future. All that mattered to me were the people around me and what the next day brought for them. I'd never think further than that. And if I did it never occurred to me that anything good could happen. Nothing ever changed for the better for me at that time. Future was always the fear of something big, bad happening. Gale never had that. He had a dream future in mind. That's why he said he wanted children. And that is also why I didn't share his view.

Right there my mind started to let me organize. Another person besides Gale came to my mind. a person who probably thought the exact same way as me at 16. My father.

We were so alike in so many ways and I thought about his life. I finally understood the one thing I never did before. How he could dare to have children.

He was scared of the future, too, but when he met my mother and fell in love he lost that fear. The future can and will bring good, but if you're afraid of it you'll never see. He realized that. That's why he had kids. He knew that he must never be afraid of their future.

And this was also the missing piece for me.

Up until now the future has brought many bad things for me, but it has also brought the most beautiful things. I never saw them because I was afraid of the future. The thing now is: I never let loose of that fear. I still thought that for my kids the future would bring nothing but bad things and that I must protect them. That's why I didn't want children. The missing piece is the turning point where I realize that I don't have to be afraid.

That day in the woods I knew it and I could finally order all things.

The next day I called Gale. We talked and I told him what I tell you now. And I apologized to him, too for taking so long. I'm sorry."

Wow. I was not expecting that. Katniss curled up during her story and now looks down at her nervously fumbling fingers. I take a sip out of my cup before I put it away, take her in my arms and brush her hair. She leans into me and closes her eyes. I'm lost of all words so we just stay like that for several minutes. Finally I whisper "I love you." and kiss her hair.

"Love you, too...And I really missed being close to you." She lifts her head and kisses me soft. I respond but soon the kiss gets hungrier.

Slowly her hands move-one to my hair, the other to my back-and so do mine. The feeling of her lips isn't enough anymore and finally her mouth opens. Her sweet breath floods my tongue. I taste only her, smell only her, I see and feel only her and I love it. I longed for it and enjoy every moment as I carefully lay us down on the length of the couch.

I could go on like this. It would be enough to have her like this for the rest of my life, but apparently she is the one wanting more today. I sense it in the way she grips my back tighter, pulls my hair stronger, I know it when she runs one hand under my shirt and up my naked back. We've played this game and I know I'm on.

Not breaking our kiss I move up, pull her with me. We stand up and move, Katniss backwards, to the stairs where I lean her against the wall. Our hands are all over each other and when I grab her hips she knows she has to take a little jump and wrap her legs around my waist so I can carry her up the stairs... Oh it feels so good to carry her like this again. It's been so long since the last time.

In our bedroom I sit her down on the bed and she starts to eagerly push my shirt up and helps me out of it.

It's not long afterwards that we lay undressed under the blanket and embrace our love for each other. Every inch of her skin smells, feels and tastes like the last time, but also completely new in a way. I can't describe it. By the time we both tug at the sheets and can't hold back a sign I am completely lost in the moment, lost in her.

Afterwards I ask her a different thing then usually. Instead of "You love me. Real or not real?" something else comes to my mind that can only be answered so easily in this moment. So I ask her: "You want my child. Real or not real?"

And with the clearest voice she answers: "Real."


	6. Chapter: Assumptions

**Note: I know I say this with every chapter, but I am (again) really sorry for taking so long. I have to be honest: I just wasn't motivated to write. Sorry. So that is also the reason why this chapter is so short. I want to tell you a lot more, but I want to keep it short. I had actually planned this chapter to be the last one, but it didn't work out, so there will be one more. I won't promise you anything though. It might take a while. Okay so much for that. Now one thing concerning the actual text: I had no one re-reading it this time because I didn't want to let you wait any longer, so I hope you all understand it and forgive me for making mistakes. And now, as always, enjoy, review and tell all your friends about it! :) **

* * *

_-end of October, about two and a half months later-_

* * *

Even through the closed kitchen door I hear Haymitch's muffled snores After dinner he just sunk into a deep sleep on the floor, his back leaning against the sofa. He didn't even bother to sit on it.

Today was one of the really bad days. He never told us what had happened today many years ago, but it was always the same pain that led him into drinking with no end. One year he almost died. Drank himself into coma. From that year on we never forgot this date. We pick him up as early as possible, bring him to our house and entertain him,. try to keep him from drinking too much. And when he's out we carry him back.

This year it was mostly me entertaining him. Katniss had been feeling kind of sick this morning and had slept longer because of that. I hope she doesn't get sick. She's always so grumpy when she can't go hunting.

Cleaning has something comforting. For once, I can finally breathe again without the feeling of inhaling pure alcohol, and secondly it's relaxing. The tension I always feel when Haymich's around is washed away with the dirt on the plates. Sometimes having Haymitch here feels like babysitting. You have to be on the lookout constantly. One time a few years ago he suddenly had a violent breakout during dinner and threw his plate at Katniss. Well, at least that's what he was aiming at. He hit the sofa. Another year he had started to drink the night before and broke down on the floor in his kitchen. We had to carry him all the way. Although this year was better, I still don't trust it to get better. Plus, I could never leave the old man that he is now alone in his misery; after all that he's been trough and everything he's done he deserves friends.

"Peeta?" Katniss calls from outside and storms in behind me seconds later.

"Peeta are there any cheese buns left? Those from yesterday?" While asking she's already opening the rightward cupboard and crams out the strawberry jam Greasy Sae got for us.

"Uhm...yes, I think so. Try, that door down there. Err, but you're not planning on eating them with that, right?!" Eagerly she goes for the cupboard by her legs. Head stuck deep inside she answers: "Of cause I will! I bet it tastes awesome! Ah! Here they are!" And she get's out three buns.

"Wait, three?! Katniss we just ate!" "I know, but I'm just sooo hungry!" As if that would make it any more reasonable!

"Remember how you felt sick this morning? I bet it's because of you eating too much. The whole week you've been eating for two basically!"

"I know, I know. But...but everything just tastes so good! And I've ate so many really good things lately! Like this!", she says, holding up the jam she is about to put on her cheese bun. "I bet it's gorgeous." I back away a little just at the sight.

"Katniss, I don't thin-" "Try!" She holds half of the cheese bun right under my nose. Ihgh...looks disgusting.

"Uh..I think I'll pass. Thanks though" I carefully push her hand away and watch as she looks at me disbelievingly, taking a bite out of it. A big grin spreads across her face as she takes another bite seconds afterwards.

Ihgh...

* * *

_-next morning-_

* * *

I find Katniss in the bathroom, frantically holding on to the toilet, just as I'm about to leave for work. She looks apologetic at me, face as white as snow.

"Uhg, Peeta.", she mumbles, "I feel awful!" Although I feel sorry for her, I cannot not make a teasing comment as I kneel down.

"See? That is what I told you yesterday. All this weird food is making you sick!" Suddenly her face get's green.

"Uhg don't talk about food or I'm gonna-" And her head's over the toilet again. I leap forward to help her, but as suddenly as it came, it's gone again.

"Katniss you've got to stop. All this eating and then all this disgusting things! You cannot tell me you like that."

"I don't know! Right now I...I just feel..." Her voice breaks and the first tears start to roll down her pale cheeks.

"Katniss? Oh my god is everything alright? Does your stomach hurt? Come, come here." As I take her in my arms she says through her tears: "I, I don't know Peeta! I don't even know why I'm crying! I just...can't stop. Peeta, make it stop!" Now this is getting weirder with the minute.

"How am I supposed to do that, huh? It's okay, you're probably just tired. Shall I take you back to bed?"

"Yes that-" Abruptly she turns to the toilet again. This time I hold back her hair and sooth her back. My poor Katniss.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay. Katniss I don't think bed's the right idea. Let's just stay here a few more minutes. Shh..." And that's what we do.

Drenched in tears I hold her and eventually it doesn't look like she is going to vomit again any time soon and I take her to bed. She lays her head in my lab and I sooth her hair. "You know," I say softly, "if this will go on, it seems like the bakery will stay closed for a couple more days."

"I know. Thank you for staying with me, Peeta. It really helps."

"No problem. But we should still see what we can do about this. Maybe you should see that new doctor. I've talked to him a few weeks ago. He seems really nice. I bet he can figure out what goes on in your stomach."

"Hmm, I'm not so sure about that. It's not just something in my _stomach_, it's also my _mind_! I just feel so drained most of the time and then seconds later I feel angry and then frustrated and-"

I stop soothing her. "Wait, wait say that again!" "Say what?" She looks up form my lab with a questioning glance. It just hit me.

"Some_thing in_ your stomach! Katniss! Could it be? I mean all that food and the mood swings and?"

"Could _what_ be? Peeta you're confusing me! What are you-"

"Katniss could...could you be pregnant?"

"Wh.._What_?" Panic hits her, but I know it's true.

My father told me! I've read about this! I know it must be! Oh god...I, we, I mean.."We have to get you to the doctors! Now! Katniss! Oh my goodness! We could get a baby!" I get up immediately. "I have to, no. You can't walk that far, oh my...He has to come here!"

I run up and down in front of the bed, not realizing how awfully quiet Katniss is. "I'll run and get him! You- you stay here, okay? I promise I'll hurry!" I rush to the bed and kiss her quick before flying down the stairs and running outside. In my head there's complete chaos. Thousands of thoughts crash down on me, calculations, flashbacks, worries, but mostly joy. I feel joyful. Joyful like I've never felt before.

It doesn't take long for me and the doctor to get back to Victors Village and as he goes up the stairs and enters the bedroom I can barely hold my excitement any longer.

"Ah, Mrs. Mellark! Nice to meet you. My name is Doctor Willard." Slowly Katniss takes the doctors offered hand and gives it a careful shake. "Hello. Nice to meet you, too."

I never knew her voice could sound so breakable. It's like glass. I try to cheer her up: "Don't be scared, love. Remember: We're getting a baby!" I could not to smile right now. But she just looks at me and get's even paler than before.

Dr. Willard, who is kneeling by the bed takes her hand carefully, but looks at me: "Err, I think it would probably be best if you wait outside, Mr. Mellark. I'm guessing this is all a little too much right now for your wife. Leave us alone for a moment, would you?" He smiles apologetic at me.

"Uhm, sure! I'll...I'll be in the kitchen. Do you want some, err, tea?"

"Yes, tea sounds good, Mr. Mellark. I'll join you in a few minutes." Awkwardly stumbling backwards I leave the room.

Cooking tea doesn't help with my nervousness at all. Actually it feels as if even increases as I paste trough the kitchen.

And then finally, after what felt like an eternity, I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I storm out and almost knock over the Doctor.

"Oh, Mr. Mellark, easy!" He yanks up his hands in defense, but seconds later rests them firmly on my shoulders, stopping me from going any further.

What is going on here?!

I want to see Katniss _right now_!


	7. Chapter: Movements

**Note:** _This is the **last chapter** of the story. It's not very long, I'm sorry, but I hope you like it. Have fun reading and as always: Read, review, share with your friends! :) _

* * *

"May I?", I ask, motioning towards her beautifully swollen belly. "Sure. Put you hands here and..here." She takes my hands and places them – one on top and one under her belly. Through her shirt I feel the warmth of her skin, her slow, regular breaths and something else..."Oh! It's moving! Wow!", I smile. "Yeah, he does that a lot lately. It can be really annoying. Try to sleep while someone dances inside you!" "Hahahah. I can imagine. Wait, you said he? It's a boy? Oh wow!" I'm stunned and another voice joins in from besides her: "Yes. We've know for quite a while now, but we wanted to tell you face-to-face", Gale explains.

Pansy smiles up at him. I've never seen him so happy before. "Well then we should probably tell Katniss, too." I get up from my knees and help Pansy up from the couch. Watching her go to the kitchen in front of me I can't help, but wonder how she is still able to move. I mean Pansy has never been the tallest person and had always had a slender figure, but the big ball that is her stomach now makes her appear even smaller and more breakable than ever before. I can only imagine how hard every movement must be for her. That makes me wonder:

"Uhm, Gale?" I only addressed him, but both stop and turn to look at me. "I was just wondering about how much more time there is?" Pansy answers: "If the doctors are right, it's four more weeks." "So soon? Can't believe it's been 8 months..." "Yeah, me neither", she says. "Let's see what Katniss' been up to, shall we?", Gales suggests, looking a bit uneasy. Hmm...was it something I said?

When we enter the kitchen, Katniss looks up from a small green leather bound notebook at us, at Gale in particular. "This- this is just...Wow!", she bursts out. I'm confused. "What is that?"

"It's a hunting guide", Gale answers, Katniss elaborates: "All the techniques, how to built and use weapons and traps, even a little plant guide like ours. It's incredible! Gale, since when do you have this?" "Uhm..since we were in 13, I guess? This first few traps are the results of Beetee's and my work. The rest I added up later, but I didn't really add anything lately. I just picked it out to look at the plant section. You know, herbs for tea or so."

Suddenly he seems uneasy again. I wonder what's going on.

Later that evening we've split up. Gale and I sit in the living room, having a drink, while our wives stayed in the kitchen. We talk about life, work and the state pf Panem. Gale is surprised that the republic is so stable. It's nice to have a normal guy chat for once.

I've known Gale for quite some time now, and after Katniss and him started to contact each other again, we all were able to bury our shared past and start over again. It feels right to call Gale my friend and I'm glad that after all, this wound was healed by time. Still, I'm surprised when Gale brings up the baby again. "Peeta, I don't think I'm ready for this." "For what?" "Being a dad. I just...I feel like I just can't play that role...be a father figure, teach a kid anything. Hell, the only thing I can is hunt!"

"Oh wow, Gale, stop!" So that's where the concerned look came from. "Forget all of that; you're gonna be a great dad! You're just panicking because it's gonna be soon. Don't worry." I'm still amazed that he tells me all of this. He was never the 'talk about your feelings'-type of person. He's like Katniss, well, at least he used to be. It does take me a while, though, to convince him that he's wrong. And when I check the watch, I realize it's later than I thought. We have to get going. "Train's leaving in about half an hour."

I call for Katniss, we say our goodbyes and leave for the nearby station. The train's a night train, so we sleep on it. Actually it makes me remember one of the few memories the capitol didn't cloud: Katniss sleeping in my arms to fight the nightmares after our first Hunger Games. And I bet she remembers, too.

Later, as the train rushes over the tracks and we get in bed, Katniss comes really close and whispers in my ear: "I want to start trying again." This takes me by surprise. I instantly know what she means, but I wonder. "Why now?", I whisper with my eyes already closed. The sheets rustle quietly. A tiny kiss on my lips. "Because today I realized that I'm ready." Another, longer kiss. "I'm not afraid anymore." A final kiss. It stops all questions.

I guess I can't explain it, but it looks as if our best nights always take place in trains...


	8. Epilogue: Months

This time we know if for sure. A quick pregnancy test is the first prove. And that after only two months of trying!

We visit District 2 again to welcome Elan Hawthrone into this world and to get some pregnancy tips and tricks from his parents. Gale's fears turn out to be wrong. He fits into his role as a father effortlessly.

Three months into the it the word gets out. We receive a neon orange baby carriage from Plutach along with an invitation to the Capitol (which we gladly decline), a self-made sea shell mobile from Annie, a so called "baby phone" from Beetee and -surprising to us- a small package full of baby clothes with the most beautiful designs on them. A hat shining like a pear, tiny socks with golden tridents on them and a bodysuit in pastel colors with tiny flames on the sleeves and legs. In it is also a letter, explaining all the designs and materials used, informing us, that Katniss' old prep team has decided to keep up Cinna's work and try to design new clothes in his style. It's signed by the three of them: Flavius, Venia, Octavia and – astonishingly- Fulvia, who wasn't part of the original team, but seems to have collaborated with them.

After seven months we decide to leave District 12 for now and temporary move to District 2, firstly, to be closer to Katniss' mother and, secondly, because they have the best hospitals and health care system.

And finally, after nine months, I hold her in my arms for the first time. It's branded into my memory forever. Every detail of her face, her smell, how she moves, how she breathes, her heartbeat. All this, saved in an instant, like a new picture. Not only a new drawing we add in the book full of people we love, but a new drawing in my head, too.

We eventually find that, despite all our troubles, doubts and experiences in the past, we are good at this. We are good parents.

And it makes me feel like it all makes sense now. What we ended up with. It is prove that life goes on. That life is beautiful. That it all ends up in a good way somehow.

At least that's what I believe in.

**-the end-**

* * *

**Note:**_ I want to thank you, the reader, for..well..reading I guess..:D And a big __**Thank You**__ to all the people that have reviewed, wrote me PM and followed the story. You guys rock! Also a special thanks to all the different people I forced to re-read the chapters. You spared me from totally embarrassing myself! _

_I know this story is short and I know that it took me forever and I also know, that I'm not an awesome writer, but I'm glad I could share my story and the thoughts I have. I'm so glad this website exists!_

_Thank you all! -Franzi _


End file.
